I want to ask you, or maybe you are God. I am not sur who you are, but I want to ask. Is it ok to have some self-pity? I wrote in a previous blog things just seem to continuously get worse; the bumps get higher the obstacles larger. I know, this is where one digs in and keeps their faith to God and I have, but the bumps have only gotten worse.
I screwed up – so much, not like one might think, but I guess opportunities, something went wrong.
I got a chance, a friend of mine worked for a small company and he got me a job working there. It seemed ok for a while, but there was something not right; however, because of issues I had in my life, he grew weary, the owner, and let me go suddenly.
I ended up in a homeless shelter and that I was working so hard to go well, but with a blink of an eye, something go said that was not the truth and without a word to the wise, a word to defend myself, I was out of it – on the streets. I spent my first night inside an old empty outhouse.
Somethings did workout, I got a job and was able to get my car legalized and tagged so I could drive it. I was so happy; however, things have not really uplifted from then.
My car leaks water and I have to make sure I fill it up with water almost every day; I have not had the money to get it fixed. My car is not running well the engine idles rough. My battery, it used to be if I used the auxiliary, it would short out my battery and thus could not start it in the morning. So, I changed to just turning on the ignition for a moment and the car radio would stay on for 10 minutes and I would do that several times, but now that is causing my battery to die. My tire, my left front tire has a leak, not the tire, but the rim has rim rot in it thus I have to get a new rim. I have to make sure the tire is not low. I walked out of McDonald’s one day and my rear left tire was low, don’t know why. Glad I had some of that liquid tire sealer on me, so I was not trapped. The steering, it is showing signs of being tired, I am getting float in the steering – it scares me from time-to-time. It’s not significant, but makes me want to get it fixed, but don’t have the money.
Therefore, I am balancing having no place to lay my head but in my car, I live at work, the library and spend my nights at McDonald’s parking lot or Wal-Mart parking lot.
Not having enough money for my car is causing me worry, so I applied to Amazon, which pays a couple dollars more an hour and guarantees 40 hours. Therefore, what happens, I went and played some basketball, not even that hard or long, and it bent my knees out of shape, so badly, I cannot walk very far without causing severe pain. Therefore, I cannot even work any warehouse job because I cannot move far or quickly.
I went to the ER, because I have no medical, they gave me some “strong” anti-inflammatory and told me to go home. I am praying I will be able to make my next shift, but as of today, it is not looking that great. My knee is a little better, but not so much, so I am thinking Thursday will be a breeze. Therefore, I have to figure out how to get to a primary doctor to get my knees checked out. I also have to figure out how to provide gas and food for myself. I do not have income.
That’s what I mean when the speed bumps come up and the corners sharper, every time I turn around have having to juggle some sort of crisis, and I am tired, I am tired. I can handle some, but not all of these and for so long. Ever since 2008, have been trying to get on my feet and nothing, just nothing has come up. I promised my children I would be there for them and I am failing – failing – failing. God Help Me Please!!