i have failed . . .

I have failed as a Christian I have asked and expected for I thought that we should ask for the Seas thought and expectation that we’ve already received it I have failed in might because of my wavering of my faith I have high days and low days days where I don’t believe it’s going to happen days when I believe God has forgotten me yet so much has gone wrong I wavered in my face I have failed myself I have failed my God i have failed my Christianity

James1:6-8 NIV
But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. [7] That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. [8] Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.


Hear my cries – My Lord, My God!!

I want to ask you, or maybe you are God.  I am not sur who you are, but I want to ask.  Is it ok to have some self-pity?  I wrote in a previous blog things just seem to continuously get worse; the bumps get higher the obstacles larger.  I know, this is where one digs in and keeps their faith to God and I have, but the bumps have only gotten worse.

I screwed up – so much, not like one might think, but I guess opportunities, something went wrong.  

I got a chance, a friend of mine worked for a small company and he got me a job working there.  It seemed ok for a while, but there was something not right; however, because of issues I had in my life, he grew weary, the owner, and let me go suddenly.  

I ended up in a homeless shelter and that I was working so hard to go well, but with a blink of an eye, something go said that was not the truth and without a word to the wise, a word to defend myself, I was out of it – on the streets.  I spent my first night inside an old empty outhouse.

Somethings did workout, I got a job and was able to get my car legalized and tagged so I could drive it.  I was so happy; however, things have not really uplifted from then.  

My car leaks water and I have to make sure I fill it up with water almost every day; I have not had the money to get it fixed.  My car is not running well the engine idles rough.  My battery, it used to be if I used the auxiliary, it would short out my battery and thus could not start it in the morning.  So, I changed to just turning on the ignition for a moment and the car radio would stay on for 10 minutes and I would do that several times, but now that is causing my battery to die.  My tire, my left front tire has a leak, not the tire, but the rim has rim rot in it thus I have to get a new rim.  I have to make sure the tire is not low.  I walked out of McDonald’s one day and my rear left tire was low, don’t know why.  Glad I had some of that liquid tire sealer on me, so I was not trapped.  The steering, it is showing signs of being tired, I am getting float in the steering – it scares me from time-to-time.  It’s not significant, but makes me want to get it fixed, but don’t have the money.  

Therefore, I am balancing having no place to lay my head but in my car, I live at work, the library and spend my nights at McDonald’s parking lot or Wal-Mart parking lot.  

Not having enough money for my car is causing me worry, so I applied to Amazon, which pays a couple dollars more an hour and guarantees 40 hours.  Therefore, what happens, I went and played some basketball, not even that hard or long, and it bent my knees out of shape, so badly, I cannot walk very far without causing severe pain.  Therefore, I cannot even work any warehouse job because I cannot move far or quickly. 

I went to the ER, because I have no medical, they gave me some “strong” anti-inflammatory and told me to go home.  I am praying I will be able to make my next shift, but as of today, it is not looking that great.  My knee is a little better, but not so much, so I am thinking Thursday will be a breeze.  Therefore, I have to figure out how to get to a primary doctor to get my knees checked out.  I also have to figure out how to provide gas and food for myself.  I do not have income.  

That’s what I mean when the speed bumps come up and the corners sharper, every time I turn around have having to juggle some sort of crisis, and I am tired, I am tired.  I can handle some, but not all of these and for so long.  Ever since 2008, have been trying to get on my feet and nothing, just nothing has come up.  I promised my children I would be there for them and I am failing – failing – failing.  God Help Me Please!!




Definition of a Disciple . . .

1 Corinthians 4:8–13 (ESV)

Already you have all you want! Already you have become rich! Without us you have become kings! And would that you did reign, so that we might share the rule with you! For I think that God has exhibited us apostles as last of all, like men sentenced to death, because we have become a spectacle to the world, to angels, and to men. 10 We are fools for Christ’s sake, but you are wise in Christ. We are weak, but you are strong. You are held in honor, but we in disrepute. 11 To the present hour we hunger and thirst, we are poorly dressed and buffeted and homeless, 12 and we labor, working with our own hands. When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; 13 when slandered, we entreat. We have become, and are still, like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things.


Verses 7–13
We have no reason to be proud; all we have, or are, or do, that is good, is owing to the free and rich grace of God. A sinner snatched from destruction by sovereign grace alone, must be very absurd and inconsistent, if proud of the free gifts of God. St. Paul sets forth his own circumstances, ver. 9 Allusion is made to the cruel spectacles in the Roman games; where men were forced to cut one another to pieces, to divert the people; and where the victor did not escape with his life, though he should destroy his adversary, but was only kept for another combat, and must be killed at last. The thought that many eyes are upon believers, when struggling with difficulties or temptations, should encourage constancy and patience. “We are weak, but ye are strong.” All Christians are not alike exposed. Some suffer greater hardships than others. The apostle enters into particulars of their sufferings. And how glorious the charity and devotion that carried them through all these hardships! They suffered in their persons and characters as the worst and vilest of men; as the very dirt of the world, that was to be swept away: nay, as the offscouring of all things, the dross of all things. And every one who would be faithful in Christ Jesus, must be prepared for poverty and contempt. Whatever the disciples of Christ suffer from men, they must follow the example, and fulfil the will and precepts of their Lord. They must be content, with him and for him, to be despised and abused. It is much better to be rejected, despised, and ill used, as St. Paul was, than to have the good opinion and favour of the world. Though cast off by the world as vile, yet we may be precious to God, gathered up with his own hand, and placed upon his throne.Matthew Henry and Thomas Scott, Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary, (Oak Harbor, WA: Logos Research Systems, 1997), 1 Co 4:7.

The second wave . . .

Revelation 7:9–12 (ESV)

A Great Multitude from Every Nation

After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, 10 and crying out with a loud voice, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!” 11 And all the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures, and they fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, 12 saying, “Amen! Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be to our God forever and ever! Amen.”

Verses 9–12

The first fruits of Christ having led the way, the Gentiles converted later follow, and ascribe their salvation to God and the Redeemer, with triumph. In acts of religious worship we come nigh to God, and must come by Christ; the throne of God could not be approached by sinners, were it not for a Mediator. They were clothed with the robes of justification, holiness, and victory; and they had palms in their hands, as conquerors used to appear in their triumphs. Such a glorious appearance will the faithful servants of God make at last, when they have fought the good fight of faith, and finished their course. With a loud voice they gave to God and the Lamb the praise of the great salvation. Those who enjoy eternal happiness must and will bless both the Father and the Son; they will do it publicly, and with fervour. We see what is the work of heaven, and we ought to begin it now, to have our hearts much in it, and to long for that world where our praises, as well as our happiness, will be made perfect.

Henry, M. & Scott, T., 1997. Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary, Oak Harbor, WA: Logos Research Systems.