How I am feeling right now, scared, this word is not used in the NIV Bible and only once in the ESV Bible JOB 7:14. In verses 11, he talks about how he wants to express his hurt and the bitterness of it. And they, his friends want to scare him with visions, those that would scare him to death, than life. He speaks of how he is being tested at every moment and won’t they leave him alone.
I am scared, things have happened to me and they have not gotten better. In so many ways, if I was to tell you all, I am sure many of you would be like JOB’s friends and not in a bad way. But, I know myself and ask myself, how am I still in this situation, why have I not improved and that acknowledgement and understanding makes me even more scared.
The realization is I cannot do it by myself and I have accepted that and relied on God. Yet, I wake up each morning with eagerness, faith, love and hope, yet I go to bed each night knowing, I am in the same circumstances I have been. I don’t feel one day closer to a solution, in fact, as each day goes by, I have started to feel, I am one day further away from one. Like a current taking you away from the shore, but you can see the shore, the people on the shore, the fun, delight and happiness of them all. I can’t scream out, I cannot seem to swim in, I am naked to the current and it scares me.
I have put it in God’s hand, I have prayed and prayed, and hoped and prayed. I get exhausted, not from praying, but from the tunnel getting darker. More things go wrong, more speed bumps to go over, more corners to go around, more ditches to climb out of. I know, God did not promise me a Rose Garden, I accept that, but I know he answers prayers and it is my hope, his use of me is not to live isolated as I am. That the speed bumps will become less an the corners less sharp and some events, any events go well.
I have been stripped of so much, been given a lot too, but my life is nothing of value, at least to me. And I don’t see how I have value to God, because living isolated does nothing to give to him. I hope God still has a plan for me, and if his plan is for me to be where I am, I like Job, don’t really want to weather it, I am scared.
I don’t tell you, because I am scared. Because there is really nothing you can do. Telling me what to do is like telling an overweight person to eat less or exercise more, and most of us, have tried. You can’t do anything – you can only hope and pray that SOMETHING comes up, someone decides to throw me a bone. Yet, I don’t share all that hope. I sent out over 2000 requests for being a trainer, not one person responded back with, yes we have something, or we viewed your resume on LinkedIn and we have something for you, not one. This makes me even more scared, because there has to be something I am doing wrong, but I don’t know and that scares me too.
I am scared God does not hear me, I am scared I will not ever be a significant part of my children’s life, I am scared that I have wasted this life, that it amounts to no more than an empty seat in an arena.
I question my faith, but sometimes, it just seems like I have not heard from God, I know God is in my boat, and maybe like the disciples, I have little faith. But, they – the disciples were scared and afraid and Jesus was there, I have to admit or ask, is Jesus here with me?
I guess I have provided value, without having value, then nothing would have been taken from me, so I guess I had the value of having something. Maybe those that took it did not have value, so they stole it to have their own value. It’s false value though, you stole it. It’s like stealing a million dollars and saying you are a millionaire and laughing at the people you stole it from – even be willing to lend of it back to them with interest.
My feelings are not without merit. All the disciples did not lead lives of luxury. They all left immediately whatever responsibilities they had and followed Jesus, only to be persecuted throughout their lives and die violently. But, they also had value, they did not sit idly, they spread the word of Jesus, the Good News. I think if I was being used like that, my fear, being scared would not be developed. That’s it in a nutshell, I feel scared because I don’t feel like I am adding value – to anyone.
I heard on the radio from a Pastor, he dared those listening to pray for God to use us, he dared us to pray so, I have and I pray he will. God Bless!
Job 7:11–21 (ESV)
11 “Therefore I will not restrain my mouth;
I will speak in the anguish of my spirit;
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.
12 Am I the sea, or a sea monster,
that you set a guard over me?
13 When I say, ‘My bed will comfort me,
my couch will ease my complaint,’
14 then you scare me with dreams
and terrify me with visions,
15 so that I would choose strangling
and death rather than my bones.
16 I loathe my life; I would not live forever.
Leave me alone, for my days are a breath.
17 What is man, that you make so much of him,
and that you set your heart on him,
18 visit him every morning
and test him every moment?
19 How long will you not look away from me,
nor leave me alone till I swallow my spit?
20 If I sin, what do I do to you, you watcher of mankind?
Why have you made me your mark?
Why have I become a burden to you?
21 Why do you not pardon my transgression
and take away my iniquity?
For now I shall lie in the earth;
you will seek me, but I shall not be.”